It's getting harder and harder to protect America's youth because more and more frequently the establishment frowns on my use of excessive force or non-rubber bullets. That's why I've started developing my second biggest muscle: my skull.

I heard word that some young punks are getting ready to start a riot at my beloved mall today. Being the sole security personnel of Irvine Park Mall, 100% responsible for the sanctity of this retail domicile, it's my sworn duty to start crippling people.

I got to be ready to move fast, zip from one end of the mall to another. That's why I got me a set of wheels: The GolfPro A55. Look, I play Gran Turismo, I know how this works. I souped this thing to get more torque than a tractor trailer. I've left a trail of black tire streaks all the way from the WhattaPretzel to Ye Olde Country Cell Phone Shoppe. I'm ready for combat.

You know what I blame? It's the video games these days. The biggest hit last year was that, uh, "Poke a Man" game. I'm not sure exactly how it worked because I haven't played it, but apparently it's about training animals to kill. That's disgusting. People should kill; animals should merely fetch the bodies.

And another thing, don't these kids have any priorities? There's one guy who's been camping in front of the software store since before I was hired. There's something in the Constitution that forbids me from attacking him with a weed-eater, at least, that's what they tell me. But I'm certain he's behind this whole "Riot" business. So, at the first sign of trouble, I'm going to run over his legs and pretend it was an "accident." It's like I always say -- any good civilian repression plan is only 10% sweat but 95% planning.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go "guard" the Victoria's Secret some more.