Oh, uh, no thank you sir, I don't need your change. I'm not actually "homeless," not in the conventional sense of the word. No, see, I started camping here three and a half years ago in the hopes to be the first to get my hands on TeamFortress 2: Brotherhood of Arms. It's been a long, hard wait. I've subsisted on munchies from the Whattapretzel kiosk for so long that I've developed a salty crust all over my body.

You see, I was totally stoked when Valve announced that they were hiring the guys who developed the TeamFortress mod for Quake I, and that they were going to develop a whole separate game. That was ... wow ... last millenium. I remember 'cuz when I started waiting, there were a couple of morons who were lining up outside the multiplex for the Episode 1 Star Wars movie dressed like Boba Fett. Now both Bobas are back, waiting for Episode 2. What a couple of losers! I would weep, but my salt-encrusted body leaks no moisture of any kind.

No, I don't want your pity. I want my TeamFortress. Or news from the outside world. Is Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up still the number one single? Seinfeld is still on the air, right? What kinds of games are people playing nowadays? What's that you say? You like Quake 3? Did you say Quake THREE?

When did they come out with a SECOND one!?