The Secret to My Artistic Success Lies Not from Being the Man, but in Pretending That I'm Being the Man

It's me, Lemuel "HotSoup" Pew. Since the new Daily Victim debuted yesterday, many of you have written to ask me how I, with questionable artistic talent and less than a third grade reading level, achieved this notable webcomic honor. Now that I'm safely ensconced in my new position, enjoying the hookers and limos that come with it, I think it's safe to step out and admit the secret to my success. That's right. Pretend you're the shit. Yes, I'm like the Derek Smart of art. And you can be, too!

For instance: Presentation. I'm not just "HotSoup." I like to refer to myself as "The Internet's HotSoup." Kinda like "TV's Tony Danza." Oh, that's another thing: refer to yourself in the third person, to give yourself a weighty edge. "Holy Crap!" I'll shout in crowded public places, "The Internet's HotSoup loves this baconburger!" It gives people an inflated sense of your importance.

Next item: Art. Now you take the great masters for instance. Rembrandt. Cezanne. Renoir. Yes. I am none of those people. And yet, I list them on my resume as personal references, to reinforce the perception of my own feeble abilities. This has several advantages, many of them based on the fact that the great masters are all dead. I, on the other hand, am not. This increases my likelihood of getting paying work.

The key to developing your artistic success is to talk as often as possible about what your art could be, rather than what it is. "Sure, I too could draw the war stricken fields of a long forgotten battle in the lands of Pellenor, but I prefer the simple humility of painting funny shapes onto the surface of this lawn gnome. He is the true derivative work."

Also, I like to talk about the use of light and color. This is because, no matter what you're looking at, light and color are involved. Try it sometime. Point to anything, even a Popeye's Chicken menu. Say to your friends, "I like the use of light and color here." They're forced to either agree or disagree, otherwise they look like art idiots. Either way, the implication is that you know what you're talking about.

Another tip: Sell your own works on eBay, then buy them under a pseudonym for exorbitant prices. Then sell more of your stuff and say "similar works from this artist have sold for as much as $8000!" I usually do this on the same weekends that I set up a card table outside of a comics store and randomly autograph peoples' stuff.

Finally, never worry about drawing something wrong. If your art is questioned -- like why your figures might lack hands or have circles for heads -- simply say that it's your 'style.' People can't dispute that it's how you draw. You've already elevated yourself into your niche. Sometimes I just don't draw a face, or merely draw a nose with legs, and claim it's my vision. Check this: if you make a huge mistake, call it a breakthrough. "Look at how I totally smudged up that guys eyes!" you can say. "THE INTERNET'S HOT SOUP LIKES THE USE OF LIGHT AND COLOR AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE SMUDGING!" Then ICQ all your friends.

Before long, you'll find that you, too, are a major artist at an industry-leading gaming site. And, like waking up next to a stranger in her panties reeking of bourbon, you'll have no idea how you got there and if you enjoyed it. Congratulations on your art career -- cheers!

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Pardon me, the masseuse is arriving any moment.

Score: 7.7; Total Votes: 2016 as of 2009-12-09.

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