Since my wife Toni was, er, shall we say 'incapacitated' by seasickness -- you know, what the french call "Le hurls," I thought I'd be able to catch up on my gaming. I brought my cable modem and laptop from the house for just such a chance and assumed I'd be able to just plug 'er right into the cabin here. But there was no cable hookup.

So I buzzed in the whatchacallit -- the steward? I said, "Hey bub, how's a guy get a little Quake on this tub?" He blinked at me and tipped his head and answered, "I don't know what you mean sir." So I said, "I get you!" and slipped him a fiver, then asked him again.

So, about half an hour and $120 bucks later, I finally figure out that cable modems don't work on Cruise Ships. That's a total pisser. Couldn't they just, I dunno, run a line out or something?

Anyways, I gave Toni a fresh bucket and headed up on deck. I saw one of those little spinning whoosits up there on top of the ship and I figured that, whoa hey, they must have one of those "dish" modems, them satellite whatzajiggers. So I grabbed my laptop and walked toward the part of the ship that had the whoosit on top, and busted in on the joint. All these dudes in uniforms were standing around looking at maps and stuff. I'm like, "Hey bitches, I got me a grenade launcher and you stiffs are goin' down like the Titanic!"

I don't care if they call it a "funship." These lamers do not know how to party.