Quick, name the four ghosts from the Pac-Man game. Do it! That's right, "Inky, Blink, Pinky, and Clyde." Okay, now name the ghosts from Ms. Pac-Man. Ohhh -- wrong! Clyde wasn't in the sequel.

They axed Clyde.

I first noticed the problem in the third grade. Ms. Pac-Man had just come out -- they actually were announcing it on radio commercials -- and I made my mom take me to the Arcade to play it. There was a big line in front of the machine. She had to hold me in place -- I kept wanting to charge off to play Phoenix or Xevious. But she made me stand there, 'cuz she was old and wise. Finally we got to the front of the line and she told me to put a quarter in.

But I didn't. I wanted to watch the opening credits. I just can't get into these games unless I know the backstory, yaknow? So, out comes Ms. Pac-Man herself, tempermental bitch, next to the glowing marquee. Then out come the parade of ghosts, and I read each ones' name out loud, for the benefit of all the people in line (who, for some reason, were getting irate.) "Inky!" "Blink!" "Pinky!" I called ... and then the orange one came out. "Sue!" I said. Then, I did a double-take. "SUE!? Who the hell is Sue!? Bring back Clyde!"

I was about to call over the Arcade atendant but my mom made me put in a quarter and play. But my heart just wasn't in it. Where was Clyde? Contract negotiations? Were they trying to cut him out of toy royalties? Maybe he died? But can a ghost die? For that matter, how exactly can you eat them?

What we have here, gents, is an enigma.