Hello, my name is Tony Scirocco, and I play EverQuest ... for the ladies. Are you like me? Theodoryn from Cazic-Thule? Oh yes, that's right. I'm CT's original playa. There's something about a half-elven bard with a Tom Sellick mustache -- the magic piper of love -- that drives the ladies crazy.

Listen closely, friend. If you can help me out, I'll share some of my sexual-voodoo secrets with you. Observe -- first and foremost, the ladies of Cazic-Thule want a man's man. So talk in complete sentences. Punctuate. And don't use numbers for letters. The mousse isn't even dry and you've already established yourself as a mature, intelligent man. And unless you're givin' off the fattie vibe, they're nibblin at the hook.

Tip two. The ladies like a man who's got some responsibility. A man who they think they can get to commit. Slip into the conversation about how you've been in a guild for the last eight months. Reel 'em in, big guy! And they love the gentlemen, so offer to help them with those goblins, but only if they really need it.

I've been playing EQ for over a year. I don't just play the game -- I play the field. I've been ridden more times than the boat between Freeport and the Butcherblock Mountains. If the ladies were worth XP, I'd be level 60 by now. But now friend, we come to my problem.

I Saw Her, Knee Deep In Innothule Swamp

She wore robes, silky robes, and the warm breeze sent her golden hair afluttering about her soft and rounded face. She had class ... probably Cleric. She was surrounded by smelly troll carcasses. I set aside my mouse and sprayed my throat with breath spray -- doesn't help online buy hey, you know, force of habit.

She cast Lightning Storm, and friend, the trolls weren't the only target of her gaze. The air was electric. I felt that special sumpthun, you know? Not the sumpthun, but the sumpthun sumpthun. Tellin me: this could be real. What the world needed then was love sweet love -- not for some but for everyone.

You know what's next, my friend: The approach. The ground squished under my feet as, slow motion, I circled her. Cautiously. Savoring. Gazing at every angle, every curve. Her every move was silk, like silk on white chocolate, her lips like rose petals on alabaster. She saw me. Baby blues locked on to me. I smiled. She smiled. How can heaven hold a place for me when a girl like that has cast her spell on me?

Then I saw her eyes flick. Not looking at me, looking right behind me.

That's when I was jumped from the rear by Fungusman Trackers. Son of a giant mushroom headed bitch! You understand that Tony Scirocco's supposed to be doing all the jumping on this server but no, there they were gettin' all shroom on my ass. I had to beat them off with a stick. And when I turned again, she was gone. She went wherever the angels go.

If you see her, tell her that Tony Scirocco aches for her like a fish for water. No no, write that down. Fish ... for ... water. Yeah. Heavy stuff. Heavy, heavy stuff. A girl like that could take me off the market. A girl like that could save me ten bucks a month, if you catch me. That's right.

This is Tony Scirocco. See you next week, friend.