So your saying his incessant screeching is keeping you up at night? Well, I blame our defense. See, this is a trained monkey. He only squeals whenever someone grabs out flag. Yessir, I'd rather have this monkey on my team than many of my teammates. But that's not all.

Do you know why he hops up and down? He does that whenever the base is left unguarded. He knows, because I log him in from my secondary machine and just have him watch the base from observer mode. Cheating, you say? Hardly. After all -- he's a monkey.

Do you know why he makes that chirping sound? I'll tell you -- he does that whenever the Shield Belt or Guard Tech respawn. See, every time I pick up a rune or powerup, he gets a little piece of banana. Don't you, Pooj? That's right! That's a good little monkey! He doesn't want to miss an opportunity.

Know why he opens his mouth and howls? Because Quad Damage is available. Know why he spins in a circle and makes "ma ma ma" noises? Because someone's attacking the base. You know why he flings his poo? No, uh, seriously, do you know why he does that? Because I haven't trained him to do that, and it's kinda gross.