How you doin'?

You've probably noticed my excessive score at Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. Yeah, I did that. I scored a million and a half points in my opening move alone. That stunt, off of the helicopter? 500K, bigity-BAM.

You want to be like me.

I'll let you in on my secret. Two words, friend: SEX WAX. Uh-hunh. I wax my hands. Both of 'em. When you hold the controller, you know, and attempt the kick-flip mctwist, and it sorta twists in your hands? Ain't none of that here. I'm waxed. Thick. I wax that bitch like a candle.

I prefer to use Mr. Zog's Sex Wax, preferably the kind designed for snowboards (although navel wax will do in a pinch.) The rub-on stuff will do. Don't use the melt-on formula unless you want sticky buttons the next day. Lay it on thick on the palm of your hands, rub thin along your fingers. Get the right consistency. Then lay it down on the grips of the controller, not too much, jeez, you're not buffing floors. Right like that. Now have a feel. Smoooove ... but tight. Grips right on, eh?

Someday I'd like to shake Mr. Zog's hand. But it'd probably stick.