Just call me Alexi Federov -- PR355 N1NJ4. The Microsoft "GameStock 2001" event is happening here in the crisp March air of Seattle, and the bulletin in the hotel makes the bold statement that "Absolutely No Photographic Equipment Will Be Permitted." Bah! They can ASK us to not bring photographic equipment, but they cannot hope to curtail the digital photography skills of a trained PR355 N1Nj4.

Hum with me now the pr355 n1nj4 theme music as I slip toward the exposition center wedged stealthily underneath the courtesy shuttle from the hotel. Now, as it backs up into the shadows of the loading dock before returning to the road, I'll simply drop quietly to the pavement and roll under the quiet darkness of a nearby dumpster. Slowly, slowly, I'll creep toward the back door. Ah, I see there is a security guard at this entrance! That fewl, not even wearing body armor or protection against garot wire. Problem solved.

I'm inside now. Cool flourescent lights illuminate the main entrance -- sheer folly, they'd no doubt ask if I was carrying a camera. But see here, an entrance labelled "staff only." Fewls! Without card key or surveilance systems, any door labelled "staff only" may as well read "staff and pr355 n1nj4s enter here." Silently I sneak through the dimly lit corridors leading up to the audio-visual brain center of the event. Wait! Someone's coming! Will it be the potent tranquilizer darts or the shuriken? No, no, he doesn't see me in the shadow of the drinking fountain -- he may yet live. I'm on a deadline, after all.

Quietly I scramble over the scaffolding. Below me they're confiscating cameras and inspecting press badges -- badges? I don't need no steeking badges. My fansite absolutely positively has to be the first to know what brand of tires the jeeps in the Xbox version of Halo are using, and I'll be damned if some lousy press etiquette is going to stand in my way!

I'll cut a long story short. Casualties were kept to a minimum: six dead, three wounded, twelve unconscious, and one guy taped to a rafter that will probably suffer naught but psychological scars. The fruit of my effort? One fully loaded Sony memory stick containing exclusive photographs of Brian Reynolds double-dipping a ruffles potato chip and game developer Chris Taylor making what appeared to be a dick joke. My work here is done. I escaped out the air vent.