Hey kiddies! You want to know my secret? The way that I've won every tournament at every single computer gaming LAN party I've ever hosted at my house since late '97? Let me tell you, it's not the skillz. It's The Sauce.

Tha's right. No Saturday afternoon of gaming goodness is complete without a barbecue, and no burger leaves this here grill without a helathy dose of The Sauce. I pile it on there, three layers thick. That's after marinating the meat in it overnight. Friday evening my wife's like, "What are you doin' down there?"

I'm Makin' Sauce.

In order to distill properly it helps to start makin' The Sauce well in advance of the party in question. Since you never know when a good weekend is gonna crop up, it's best to have some Sauce on hand at all times. You could get lucky. I always got some Sauce to whip out when it counts. That's my other word of advice to you kids: When you're not actually partying it up, you should be whippin' up some Sauce, even alone if you have to.

Sometimes you'll get the occasional assclown who's like, "oh no, no sauce for me!" Hah, what a jagoff. When he's not lookin', he gets an extra squirt of the good stuff. Hah hah. That burning in your tonsils? That's the taste of victory, kids. Don't forget it.